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Today – A Boring Day

Well I went to my doctor today and got a medical clearance to return to work so I have to do my nightshift tonight. I did consider saying I still had symptoms but I have to go back sooner or later and I can’t really afford more time off. I am feeling much better, so I shall see how I go. I don’t know if I have written about what I do for a living, or if I have, whether you have read it, but I’m a Disability Support Worker. I look after disabled young adults who live in a house together. 1 young man and 2 young women. I work nightshift so I mainly see the male as he has sleeping problems so I have to watch him and look after him while he is awake.

The 2 females are usually asleep, but I have to check on them hourly. My male client is usually asleep when I start at 9.45pm but never sleeps through the night. He generally wakes between 1 and 3am and then stays awake all night until morning. And I mean wide awake – loud. He has medical issues, an intellectual disability, autism + challenging behaviours. So when he is awake he is a handful. His medical issues are that he is peg fed and he has an ileostomy bag which is similar to a colostomy bag, just attached to a different part of his bowel. I have to empty or change his bag throughout the night. Sometimes it leaks and if I don’t discover it in time it gets everywhere – allover him, his bed and the floor if he is up and walking around. He has Movicol (a laxative) everyday, so his poo is always diarrhoea, which is an absolute pleasure to clean up – not. And the smell: well, what can I say?

I’m trying to teach him to read or at least recognise some words at the moment. I made him some books with the alphabet, numbers, colours, and sentences; with really good images downloaded off the internet. He already recognises some pictures but I’m trying to get him to recognise the actual words. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much, but he has a really good memory, so my fingers are crossed that he’ll do well.

I was in a PsychCentral chatroom earlier today and a man tried to guilt-trip me into staying to talk to him longer. He said he was self-harming and was threatening suicide. I had to go out, so I offered to meet him again at the same time tomorrow for a long talk. He said he had been suicidal for a few weeks, so I thought what is one more day? When I asked him whether he was going to meet me the next day he wouldn’t respond so i think he was shitty that his emotional blackmail hadn’t worked. I got the impression that he was exaggerating and doing it for attention so I doubt the sincerity of what he was telling me; it just didn’t ring true. So I don’t feel too bad. We’ll see if he was serious about needing to talk if he shows up for the arranged time. If he doesn’t, he was just a time-waster. I’m not holding my breath.

I have my own mental health issues to deal with without having someone threaten to kill themselves or cut themselves on me. Doesn’t sit well. I’d never do that to someone. I think he just wanted someone to say “no, don’t”. Which I did for awhile, until I needed to leave. That’s when he got pooey.

My depression is average at the moment, I think I might be slightly hypomanic at the moment because I have been shoplifting again. I do this when I’m hypomanic, as well as a few other risky, reckless, wrong behaviours. It sucks because some shops just make it too easy for me. I rack myself with guilt after, but also justify it in some ways to myself. I think my med levels may not be quite right , or the anti-depressant I’m using is possibly not quite right for me. I’m trying to avoid admitting to myself that this may be the case, because i’m afraid I’ll go back to my doc and he’ll tell me there are no more to try. I’m terrified of running out of options. Because I believe that there is a med combo out there that is perfect for me; I just have to find it. My mood stabiliser seems fine; my mania seems under control mostly.

I need to find a new therapist soon though because my current one has outlived his use. We’ve gona as far together as I think we’re gonna get. He’s kinda getting repititive. He doesn’t seem to know where to go next. I feel sorry for him. I probably don’t make things easy for him, not that I should have to.

Anyway, I better go get ready for work. Bye for now xo

An odd question but….

Do you think it is strange or bad that I have put a lot of thought into what kind of serial killer I would be if I had the chance? I am totally addicted to the CI channel on Foxtel (true crime) and am fascinated by the psychology/pathology of murderers etc. I’m not sure when one’s curiosity is getting a bit out of hand. I sometimes wonder if the only thing stopping me from killing someone is the prospect of being caught. Has anyone else had similar thoughts/feelings? And I’m not sure of the motivation behind these feelings – whether it’s just genuine curiosity or unquenched anger management issues and the need to take revenge out on someone, or something like that. I haven’t spoken to my T about it because I didn’t want to freak him out. Any thoughts?

About Me info

I don’t know how to put my about me info on the front page and keep it there, so it is the link in the top left corner which says About Me. This one was written when I 1st started the blog. There is additional personal info if you type: about me #2 in the search bar. This was written more recently. I’ll probably think of heaps more as I go along. So look out for an About Me #3 next.

Just A Few Questions….

Hi there anybody who is reading….

Is there an easy way of telling if a comment is not genuine? I may have trashed or spammed some legitimate comments because they came from workplace addresses. Is it common for people to send  personal msg’s via their professional email address? I’m not allowed to access my work computer for personal reasons, so I find it a bit odd. Oh, another question, is it possible for me to get a website address for this blog so I don’t have to go to another site and click heaps of links to open it? As you can see, I’m not a techie person – very humiliating!

And does anyone know what ‘seo’ in an address means? Or what Minecraft for free is? They have come up a lot in my commenst section so I’m suspicious of them. It’s quite hard to tell that some of the comments are spam, or am I just ignorant and/or stupid? I can, at times, be a bit gullible with some things.

Changing the topic: I have fallen off the wagon since I’ve been living with my sister (since April) and am currently on a bender at the moment. While I enjoy it at the time and justify it, I also feel guilty and ashamed that I have little to no self control. After reading a friend’s blog, who goes to a 12 step programme, it has got me thinking I might look into whether there are any closeby me. Even if I haven’t quit yet it would still be good for me to hang around recovering addicts telling their success stories of sobriety. It may just inspire me; I just have to get over the “God” parts of it. I’m spiritual, just not religious.

Does anyone have any personal experience with addiction who would like to share with me? If it’s too personal to put on here, you can contact me via pm on PsychCentral, username Choocha. Thanks.

I admit to kinda using my prescription meds (there are many) kinda badly/irresponsibly, and also to taking a semi-regular (at the moment) illicit substance. I have managed to stay pretty clear from alcohol for a long time now. But it seems I always need to have at least one addiction in my life; maybe not a physical addiction, but always a psychological one. Plus I still smoke cigarettes. I quit once for 5 years and took it back up when going through a bad depresssion – biggest mistake ever. I’m thinking of trying E-Cigs. Has anybody got any input on them?

I went to the doctor today because my work want me to get a clearance before being allowed to return to work, because of me possibly having a c-diff infection. The doc prescribed antibiotics as a precaution and sent me home with a poo cup, because I couldn’t do it at his office.

Does anyone else have phobia’s about normal medical procedures ie pooing in a cup, gynechological procedures, mammograms etc? And I avoid going to and procrastinate about going to the doctor unless I absolutely have to, and then it’s usually far worse.

I haven’t had a pap smear or STD screen for about 7 years and I never phoned back about my last results, because I assumed they’d phone me if there was something wrong. Yeah, I know, no need to lecture me. I know that was reckless.

I should really call this blog Choocha’s Confessional because it seems that I’m owning up to all of my dirty laundry and exposing some quite personal stuff, but I assume that’s the kind of stuff people may find interesting; not just mundane, boring, routine stuff. Am I right?

I will get into more nitty-gritty if I hear back from anyone. i don’t really mind what I tell you because you are probably sitting on the other side of the world, so I feel quite free to share – possibly a silly assumption, but oh well.

Something else which is a bit eeeewy: I think I may have the startings of head lice again. I keep on catching them from work, which isn’t the most hygienic place. I have now caught lice 2, maybe 3 times, staph infection twice, and now whatever this stomach bug is. I really feel like I should be filing workcover claims and shouldn’t have to use my personal sick leave. We obviously aren’t all following the same hygiene precautions and cleanliness practises at work for so many infectious things to be going around.

It’s getting so bad now that I’m finally sick of it and will be looking for a new job when I finally pull my finger out and update my CV etc.

My bp is quite allover the place right now. I’m suffering from frequent bouts of just not wanting to be alive anymore to brief periods of thinking about the future, so it is very confusing. I think my main feelings may be depression and anxiety, because I’m sleeping on and off either too much or not enough, have no energy, am isolating myself; plus anxiety/fear is my default emotion when I feel out of control of myself.

May I ask if the people who do read this have found this blog through PsychCentral or what search they used to find it? Just curious.

I hope to hear back from someone/anyone ( just not spammers) soon please. I am very lonely and bored and would love some company and new friends. Bye for now xo

I Am Back

Hey there. After a long break I have returned. I stopped writing because I didn’t think anyone was reading my blog. I accidentally stumbled across it last night and saw quite a few comments, so I decided I should try to start writing again, and this time more regularly.

Just a ramble today, as I’m over-tired, under-nourished and kinda sick. I have had a tummy bug for a week now. I haven’t been to the doctor yet. I’ve just been self-medicating it with anti-nausea and anti-diarrhoea meds. Yeah, I know I’m not very sensible or responsible.

So thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read my blog. Please feel free to ask me any questions or tell me to elaborate if I haven’t put something very well etc.

I have been up now for nearly 2 days. I couldn’t sleep yesterday during the day – which I’m supposed to do because I work nightshift. Then I went to work last night, looking after a client who is in hospital at the moment. I’m not a nurse. I’m a disability support worker. My client has intellectual, physical and severe behavioural issues.

He is in hospital for a gastro-intestinal blockage + he was diagnosed with a bad stomach infection called C-Diff (for short) which causes diarrhoea, sore stomach, loss of appetite etc.

Well, was there and it slipped out in conversation to the nurse that I had had diarrhoea but had stopped it with gastro-stop medication. He (the nurse) said “you shouldn’t be here”. He left the room and came back 5 minutes later to say he had spoken to his boss and I had to leave immediately, in case I had/have an infection, either C-Diff or something else. So I was there for less than 2 hours and my sms to my manager has not been replied to yet, so I’m assuming he is angry with me, for the inconvenience. So now I have to go to the doctor and poo in a cup to get tested. Really happy about that – not.

If anyone is reading this please tell me do you prefer reading about me, my poetry, or both? Some feedback on what I post would be appreciated.

A technical question: does anyone know how I can change the order in which my posts are displayed. I’d rather them start at the beginning of when I began the blog, instead of from most recent at the top. Also, how do I create a cover page, like an about me page, before all of the posts?

Speaking of tech issues, I have just spent numerous hours unsuccessfully trying to get chat going on here. When I clicked download of any chat plugin, ten trillion explorer pages would start opening. It happened quite a few times, no matter which chat I tried to download. Does anyone know what is happening with this? What am I doing wrong? So hopefully I will get it worked out and maybe we can get a live cat going. That’d be cool. I prefer to chat with real, live people.

Ok, signing off for now. catch me soon xo

Nothing Much Of Anything

Dear Blogees

I don’t have much to write about, I don’t think. I’ve got stuck just writing poetry, when I really wanted this blog to be stream of consciouseness writing,with a little poetry thrown in. I planned on it being more like my thoughts and feelings + all of my various mishaps etc.

I think I’m boring but others say I’m interesting, so I’ll let you be the judge of that. I have to go to my psychologist today & I’m all in a tizzy because I’ve lost my homework book, with my assignement I’m meant to have done – which I didn’t. If I don’t like the homework he gives me I just write a pem, because I think at least I’m doing something. His pooey home work is all mindfulness crap. I’m not into hokum-pokum. I want practical answers for practical problems, not to get inside the core of a feeling/shmeeling. He’s a good guy & all, but he’s a bit away with the airy-fairies.

I’ve been enrolled in dialectical behavioural therapy. I don’t know when it starts but I’m scare already. It sounds very intensive. 3 hours a week for a year + homework. I’m not very good with long-term commtiments.

 

I haven’t showered yet & I have melted chocolate & god knows what down my top – sleep eating. Thanks to my meds I sleep walk & sleep eat & sleep smoke. Dangerous & messy. I wake up with cigarettes stuck all over me & chocolate shmeared all over my face. I’m gonna have to put all bad things far far out of reach & sight.

Anyway enough for now, I need to get ready for my appointment. Wish me luck. xo

I Am A Dorky Poetry Machine

Hey there. While my poetry might not be getting any better, my mind thinks it’s a poetry-writing machine. If only I could write music, I’d be prolific. Anyhoo, I’d planned to share my latest poem, then I got stuck in the chatrooms blah blah blah. And then I lost my internet connection. I’m not much of a computer person but I tried everything I could think of to no avail.

While I waited for connection to comeback, I started jotting down some ideas & the beginnings of about 3 poems started, but I actually finished one complete one, which I might show you now.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed that I’ve been trying out different styles. Feel free to let me know what you think. I’m a harsh critic of myself so it’s helpful to get an outsider’s perspective of what I say/write.

Oh, I forgot, I wrote 2 while stuffing around with my pooda. So if I don’t get sick of typing I might share my latest 3 – if you’re lucky hmmm nyuck nyuck. They’ll be my next posts, so read on xo love you xo

Single & Stoopid

Hey there dudes. I don’t know if you know, but as well as starting this blog, I also started a social group, called Single, Bored & Lonely. For 2 days I was the only member, and that kinda sucked. But today when I logged on one of my friends had joined. I thought, shiiiit, this is really gonna take off.

Until the friend brought me crashing back down to earth. I think my friend may’ve only joined out of sympathy, because they mentioned that the group possibly might not be successful on a site like this, where people have issues.I saw it the other way. We all already know that if you’re on here it’s probable that you have some sort of condition, so that gets that out right in the open immediately, right?

Who is right? Me, or my friend? I don’t mind putting it out there that it’s been quite awhile since I had any loving. I don’t know if I’m being too specific, but I’m looking for a BP guy, 27-47, who is funny & hot. How do you like my chances? Look, I’m totally open to changing teams at this point in time.

Any thoughts/advice on what I’ve written. Feel free to share. By the way, If you’re a woman, the same parameters apply hehe.

I’m dressed now peeps

Yes, I finally showered and got dressed, but not because I wanted to. I noticed I was out of dog food & milk, so it was a mercy dash.

Can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned it but my rabbits & guinea pigs eat weeds. So now I’m outside praying for the lil suckers to outgrow my yard, contrary to when i had to grudgingly pull em out. Makes it a hell of a lot cheaper. I swear my kids/pets eat better than me. I definitely spend the bulk of my grocery bill on them. And they’re all fussy eaters (well most of them). I don’t understand why I can’t just feed them wheatbix, that’s what I eat sometimes for dinner. I feel guilty when I eat an apple, because I buy them for the vegetarian pets.

I don’t know if you can see what I wrote with the 1st pic, but I love it. I think it makes me look like a giant love-heart. I don’t like pics of me so I like distorting them and applying filters. I have #BDD. For those of you who don’t know what that is it stands for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It’s basically a warped perception of your appearance. It’s related to eating disorders, which I’ve had in the past also. #OCD comes into it a bit as well. For example, mine is so bad that only one person in the whole world (my ex) has ever seen me without makeup on since I was about 10yrs old. I don’t own swimwear, because I won’t swim in public places, or let anyone see that much of my body. It’s very lifestyle-restricting. There are lots of things I’d love to do but I can’t because people might see me not looking perfect.

Let me add something important here: If anyone ever has any questions of/for me, ask away. I’m an open book. There’s pretty much nothing I won’t talk about, especially if it’s of an informative nature. So fire away. I’m just sitting here bored. I might talk about some naughty stuff on here, things you may disapprove of. Please bite your tongue if you want to tell me off, or be diplomatic with your words.

Thanks. Signing off now. I still don’t know where the caption I just typed shows up, so I’ll just introduce you to Mornay (Moo-Moo to me). She is the loveliest cat. An real diplomat, she wants to play with everyone, even the smallest animals, including Pablo the budgie. She reminds me of the christmas grinch. The last pic is what happens when you kill so many brain cells your head collapses. Ciao for now xo

Fat n Lazy n Still In My Jim-Jam’s

Hey all. It’s 2.50pm & I’m still in my pj’s, stinky & makeup smudged face – attractive – I don’t think so. The pic is Terri , my bunny sleeping entwined in Tito, my whippet’s arms & legs. Too cute.

I think I took a few too many sleeping tabs too late in the night, making it hard to get up + that groggy feeling. So nice to be able to knock myslef out though. And not so many nightmares when I use sleeper’s.

I think I might start a question & answer section on here. I’m like Macaulay Culkin asking a million & one questions about everything. And all of my PC friends seem to be wise & experienced, and familiar with the things I want to talk about; so who better to ask?

For example, my doc just changed me diagnosis from BP2 to BP1. I want to know if this is common & doew this mean my condition is worsening & will continue worsening? Any answers would be appreciated it. Don’t have to PM me, you can just put it here in the comments section.

This is Pablo, my smart pale blue Budgie. I’m trying to teach him to speak, unsuccessfully so far. I think I’m saying too many things. Any advice? I have to clip his door shut because he knows how to open them. And he loves my dogs & cats. The cats sleep next to him sometimes.

Anyway, signing off for now. Catchya xox

Hello world!

Hi everyone. This is my very first post. I’m not sure why all of my text is staying over on the left side. This is weird.

Anyway, The picture is of Tito, my best friend. He’s one of my nine furry babies, who I love dearly.

I joined PsychCentral to make new friends, with people who understood me & what I was about. I’m sorry to say that I’ll be putting some poetry up on here too. I’ve been writing it a bit lately, as therapy, kinda feels good.