Well I went to my doctor today and got a medical clearance to return to work so I have to do my nightshift tonight. I did consider saying I still had symptoms but I have to go back sooner or later and I can’t really afford more time off. I am feeling much better, so I shall see how I go. I don’t know if I have written about what I do for a living, or if I have, whether you have read it, but I’m a Disability Support Worker. I look after disabled young adults who live in a house together. 1 young man and 2 young women. I work nightshift so I mainly see the male as he has sleeping problems so I have to watch him and look after him while he is awake.

The 2 females are usually asleep, but I have to check on them hourly. My male client is usually asleep when I start at 9.45pm but never sleeps through the night. He generally wakes between 1 and 3am and then stays awake all night until morning. And I mean wide awake – loud. He has medical issues, an intellectual disability, autism + challenging behaviours. So when he is awake he is a handful. His medical issues are that he is peg fed and he has an ileostomy bag which is similar to a colostomy bag, just attached to a different part of his bowel. I have to empty or change his bag throughout the night. Sometimes it leaks and if I don’t discover it in time it gets everywhere – allover him, his bed and the floor if he is up and walking around. He has Movicol (a laxative) everyday, so his poo is always diarrhoea, which is an absolute pleasure to clean up – not. And the smell: well, what can I say?

I’m trying to teach him to read or at least recognise some words at the moment. I made him some books with the alphabet, numbers, colours, and sentences; with really good images downloaded off the internet. He already recognises some pictures but I’m trying to get him to recognise the actual words. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much, but he has a really good memory, so my fingers are crossed that he’ll do well.

I was in a PsychCentral chatroom earlier today and a man tried to guilt-trip me into staying to talk to him longer. He said he was self-harming and was threatening suicide. I had to go out, so I offered to meet him again at the same time tomorrow for a long talk. He said he had been suicidal for a few weeks, so I thought what is one more day? When I asked him whether he was going to meet me the next day he wouldn’t respond so i think he was shitty that his emotional blackmail hadn’t worked. I got the impression that he was exaggerating and doing it for attention so I doubt the sincerity of what he was telling me; it just didn’t ring true. So I don’t feel too bad. We’ll see if he was serious about needing to talk if he shows up for the arranged time. If he doesn’t, he was just a time-waster. I’m not holding my breath.

I have my own mental health issues to deal with without having someone threaten to kill themselves or cut themselves on me. Doesn’t sit well. I’d never do that to someone. I think he just wanted someone to say “no, don’t”. Which I did for awhile, until I needed to leave. That’s when he got pooey.

My depression is average at the moment, I think I might be slightly hypomanic at the moment because I have been shoplifting again. I do this when I’m hypomanic, as well as a few other risky, reckless, wrong behaviours. It sucks because some shops just make it too easy for me. I rack myself with guilt after, but also justify it in some ways to myself. I think my med levels may not be quite right , or the anti-depressant I’m using is possibly not quite right for me. I’m trying to avoid admitting to myself that this may be the case, because i’m afraid I’ll go back to my doc and he’ll tell me there are no more to try. I’m terrified of running out of options. Because I believe that there is a med combo out there that is perfect for me; I just have to find it. My mood stabiliser seems fine; my mania seems under control mostly.

I need to find a new therapist soon though because my current one has outlived his use. We’ve gona as far together as I think we’re gonna get. He’s kinda getting repititive. He doesn’t seem to know where to go next. I feel sorry for him. I probably don’t make things easy for him, not that I should have to.

Anyway, I better go get ready for work. Bye for now xo