Archive for November 23rd, 2011

Worry #1 (Oct 2011)

I worry about my pets

Am I being a bad mum?

When they look at me funny

Am I being paranoid, am I being dumb?

I worry about them dying

I do try to keep them safe

I wish I never had to leave them

I hate it when I have to go away

I worry about having no money

It’s embarassing to have to steal

But if I don’t shoplift something

Me n the pets wouldn’t have a meal

I worry about being lonely

I don’t want to end up alone

But I’m scared you’ll reject me

So I don’t pick up the phone

I worry about all of the relationships I’ve lost

Why did I throw them all away?

When I avoid you, no, everything’s not all ok

I worry about getting old and ugly

I see my looks and health fading everyday

What will be of my life, where and when did it go astray?

I’m dressed now peeps

Yes, I finally showered and got dressed, but not because I wanted to. I noticed I was out of dog food & milk, so it was a mercy dash.

Can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned it but my rabbits & guinea pigs eat weeds. So now I’m outside praying for the lil suckers to outgrow my yard, contrary to when i had to grudgingly pull em out. Makes it a hell of a lot cheaper. I swear my kids/pets eat better than me. I definitely spend the bulk of my grocery bill on them. And they’re all fussy eaters (well most of them). I don’t understand why I can’t just feed them wheatbix, that’s what I eat sometimes for dinner. I feel guilty when I eat an apple, because I buy them for the vegetarian pets.

I don’t know if you can see what I wrote with the 1st pic, but I love it. I think it makes me look like a giant love-heart. I don’t like pics of me so I like distorting them and applying filters. I have #BDD. For those of you who don’t know what that is it stands for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It’s basically a warped perception of your appearance. It’s related to eating disorders, which I’ve had in the past also. #OCD comes into it a bit as well. For example, mine is so bad that only one person in the whole world (my ex) has ever seen me without makeup on since I was about 10yrs old. I don’t own swimwear, because I won’t swim in public places, or let anyone see that much of my body. It’s very lifestyle-restricting. There are lots of things I’d love to do but I can’t because people might see me not looking perfect.

Let me add something important here: If anyone ever has any questions of/for me, ask away. I’m an open book. There’s pretty much nothing I won’t talk about, especially if it’s of an informative nature. So fire away. I’m just sitting here bored. I might talk about some naughty stuff on here, things you may disapprove of. Please bite your tongue if you want to tell me off, or be diplomatic with your words.

Thanks. Signing off now. I still don’t know where the caption I just typed shows up, so I’ll just introduce you to Mornay (Moo-Moo to me). She is the loveliest cat. An real diplomat, she wants to play with everyone, even the smallest animals, including Pablo the budgie. She reminds me of the christmas grinch. The last pic is what happens when you kill so many brain cells your head collapses. Ciao for now xo

MindShaft (Aug 2011)

Help me, I’m down here

My throat’s so sore and dry

Voice is nearly gone now

Can’t they hear me?

Seems like I’ve been down here for ages

Why hasn’t anyone come to save me?

I’m not the boy crying wolf

It’s not a practical joke

 Is there even anybody there?

Or am I as alone as I feel?

My fingertips bleed from scratching

Can’t get a grip

Keep slipping back down

It stinks down here, like sulphur

And the rats run over my feet I can’t see any light

Not even the stars

My eyes sting from dust and crying

I try to keep them open, but it hurts

I can hear soft music playing

It reminds me of something

My childhood? When I was happy?

Song’s slowing down now

Please don’t stop

Iwant to hear more

I want to hear it again

Don’t want to fall to the bottom

Can’t see what’s down there, and it scares me

Please play that tune again

So I can follow it to the top.

Fat n Lazy n Still In My Jim-Jam’s

Hey all. It’s 2.50pm & I’m still in my pj’s, stinky & makeup smudged face – attractive – I don’t think so. The pic is Terri , my bunny sleeping entwined in Tito, my whippet’s arms & legs. Too cute.

I think I took a few too many sleeping tabs too late in the night, making it hard to get up + that groggy feeling. So nice to be able to knock myslef out though. And not so many nightmares when I use sleeper’s.

I think I might start a question & answer section on here. I’m like Macaulay Culkin asking a million & one questions about everything. And all of my PC friends seem to be wise & experienced, and familiar with the things I want to talk about; so who better to ask?

For example, my doc just changed me diagnosis from BP2 to BP1. I want to know if this is common & doew this mean my condition is worsening & will continue worsening? Any answers would be appreciated it. Don’t have to PM me, you can just put it here in the comments section.

This is Pablo, my smart pale blue Budgie. I’m trying to teach him to speak, unsuccessfully so far. I think I’m saying too many things. Any advice? I have to clip his door shut because he knows how to open them. And he loves my dogs & cats. The cats sleep next to him sometimes.

Anyway, signing off for now. Catchya xox