Hey everyone. Thanks for reading my blog. All of my poetry has been rather maudlin thus far, so sorry people. Thought I’d try writing about something good to see the difference. Here’s the result.
Archive for November, 2011
Why must I wake each day and take a breath?
When all I can see is my impending death
I’ve tried so hard to have a good life
But all I seem to do is end up in strife
My premature death would surely cause woe
But for god’s sake people, just let me go
On familial relationships I’ve put a strain
All I’m trying to do is ease the pain
My whole life I’ve been one big fake
I know now that was a mistake
I know my passing would cause untold grief
But suicide being a sin is just your belief.
I worry what people think when they see me
I fret and fuss about it unnaturally
I worry they think I look strange
These worries consume me and are hard to arrange
I worry about what I might do or say
Like talking about poo, or saying something’s “gay”
My mouth takes over and I can’t self-edit
I manage to most of the time; give me some credit
I worry people will see my bad teeth
And they’ll learn I’m also rotten underneath
I worry people’ll see my every imperfection
If I’m stared at I’ll turn my face in another direction
I worry they’ll see my skin, it’s too dry and wrinkly
And I never get nude, ’cause my thighs and butt are all crinkley
Most would think I’m shallow and vain
Believe me, I’m not, I’d do anything to get this out of my brain.
Hey there dudes. I don’t know if you know, but as well as starting this blog, I also started a social group, called Single, Bored & Lonely. For 2 days I was the only member, and that kinda sucked. But today when I logged on one of my friends had joined. I thought, shiiiit, this is really gonna take off.
Until the friend brought me crashing back down to earth. I think my friend may’ve only joined out of sympathy, because they mentioned that the group possibly might not be successful on a site like this, where people have issues.I saw it the other way. We all already know that if you’re on here it’s probable that you have some sort of condition, so that gets that out right in the open immediately, right?
Who is right? Me, or my friend? I don’t mind putting it out there that it’s been quite awhile since I had any loving. I don’t know if I’m being too specific, but I’m looking for a BP guy, 27-47, who is funny & hot. How do you like my chances? Look, I’m totally open to changing teams at this point in time.
Any thoughts/advice on what I’ve written. Feel free to share. By the way, If you’re a woman, the same parameters apply hehe.
Am I being a bad mum?
When they look at me funny
Am I being paranoid, am I being dumb?
I worry about them dying
I do try to keep them safe
I wish I never had to leave them
I hate it when I have to go away
I worry about having no money
It’s embarassing to have to steal
But if I don’t shoplift something
Me n the pets wouldn’t have a meal
I worry about being lonely
I don’t want to end up alone
But I’m scared you’ll reject me
So I don’t pick up the phone
I worry about all of the relationships I’ve lost
Why did I throw them all away?
When I avoid you, no, everything’s not all ok
I worry about getting old and ugly
I see my looks and health fading everyday
Can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned it but my rabbits & guinea pigs eat weeds. So now I’m outside praying for the lil suckers to outgrow my yard, contrary to when i had to grudgingly pull em out. Makes it a hell of a lot cheaper. I swear my kids/pets eat better than me. I definitely spend the bulk of my grocery bill on them. And they’re all fussy eaters (well most of them). I don’t understand why I can’t just feed them wheatbix, that’s what I eat sometimes for dinner. I feel guilty when I eat an apple, because I buy them for the vegetarian pets.
I don’t know if you can see what I wrote with the 1st pic, but I love it. I think it makes me look like a giant love-heart. I don’t like pics of me so I like distorting them and applying filters. I have #BDD. For those of you who don’t know what that is it stands for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It’s basically a warped perception of your appearance. It’s related to eating disorders, which I’ve had in the past also. #OCD comes into it a bit as well. For example, mine is so bad that only one person in the whole world (my ex) has ever seen me without makeup on since I was about 10yrs old. I don’t own swimwear, because I won’t swim in public places, or let anyone see that much of my body. It’s very lifestyle-restricting. There are lots of things I’d love to do but I can’t because people might see me not looking perfect.
Let me add something important here: If anyone ever has any questions of/for me, ask away. I’m an open book. There’s pretty much nothing I won’t talk about, especially if it’s of an informative nature. So fire away. I’m just sitting here bored. I might talk about some naughty stuff on here, things you may disapprove of. Please bite your tongue if you want to tell me off, or be diplomatic with your words.
Thanks. Signing off now. I still don’t know where the caption I just typed shows up, so I’ll just introduce you to Mornay (Moo-Moo to me). She is the loveliest cat. An real diplomat, she wants to play with everyone, even the smallest animals, including Pablo the budgie. She reminds me of the christmas grinch. The last pic is what happens when you kill so many brain cells your head collapses. Ciao for now xo
Help me, I’m down here
My throat’s so sore and dry
Voice is nearly gone now
Can’t they hear me?
Seems like I’ve been down here for ages
Why hasn’t anyone come to save me?
I’m not the boy crying wolf
It’s not a practical joke
Is there even anybody there?
Or am I as alone as I feel?
My fingertips bleed from scratching
Can’t get a grip
Keep slipping back down
It stinks down here, like sulphur
And the rats run over my feet I can’t see any light
Not even the stars
My eyes sting from dust and crying
I try to keep them open, but it hurts
I can hear soft music playing
It reminds me of something
My childhood? When I was happy?
Song’s slowing down now
Please don’t stop
Iwant to hear more
I want to hear it again
Don’t want to fall to the bottom
Can’t see what’s down there, and it scares me
Please play that tune again
So I can follow it to the top.
Hey all. It’s 2.50pm & I’m still in my pj’s, stinky & makeup smudged face – attractive – I don’t think so. The pic is Terri , my bunny sleeping entwined in Tito, my whippet’s arms & legs. Too cute.
I think I took a few too many sleeping tabs too late in the night, making it hard to get up + that groggy feeling. So nice to be able to knock myslef out though. And not so many nightmares when I use sleeper’s.
I think I might start a question & answer section on here. I’m like Macaulay Culkin asking a million & one questions about everything. And all of my PC friends seem to be wise & experienced, and familiar with the things I want to talk about; so who better to ask?
For example, my doc just changed me diagnosis from BP2 to BP1. I want to know if this is common & doew this mean my condition is worsening & will continue worsening? Any answers would be appreciated it. Don’t have to PM me, you can just put it here in the comments section.
This is Pablo, my smart pale blue Budgie. I’m trying to teach him to speak, unsuccessfully so far. I think I’m saying too many things. Any advice? I have to clip his door shut because he knows how to open them. And he loves my dogs & cats. The cats sleep next to him sometimes.
Anyway, signing off for now. Catchya xox
Major depression is to be in Hell
Upon your issues you will dwell
It’s not about feeling sad and sorry allday
With therapy and meds you hope they’ll allay
It’s not about moping or vying for attention
It’s aiming for balance, maintenance and retention
Anxiety makes you worry, fear and fret
About situations you would rather forget
Mania feels like energy that keeps going and going
Feeling super productive with your creative juices flowing
Obsession is thoughts that seem unending
Compulsion comes with it and sees me needlessly spending
I’d love to get my life back, be me again
All I can do is plod along day by day until then.
What happened to my maturation?
I’m forever stuck being a teenager
How did I end up in this situation?
I saw my life being so different than this
I hate that I feel such degradation
The sins of my mother make me feel such shame
Twitchy, weird, intense is my manifestation
Which bits are me? Which are my illness?
My dad thinks I use manipulation
Like I’m some evil puppeteer
From my mum I’d like an explanation
Was it so hard to be my mum?
When will I find an occupation?
Gotta pay the bills, sick of eating soup
I’m not happy with my presentation
Always picking, always finding faults
I’m Libran, prone to prevarication
Make your mind up Leanne, it’s not that hard
My whole life feels like a fabrication
I’m a fraud, a phoney, a fake
I’d like an advocate, some representation
I can’t speak up for me, I’m not worth it
My life is no-win, when did I come to this realisation?
I keep kidding myself that I’ve still got time
My life is in ruins, complete devastation
Doesn’t get much worse, could maybe lose my house
I’ve isolated myself so much, utter segregation
Animals are my friends and family now
When my dad listened, I felt validation
One conversation where we actually connected
When owning up to flaws I feel humiliation
Telling one’s truth can be hard sometimes
I’d like to be someone else, a total re-creation
Yes, please Higher Power, can I have a do-over?
Hi everyone. This is my very first post. I’m not sure why all of my text is staying over on the left side. This is weird.
Anyway, The picture is of Tito, my best friend. He’s one of my nine furry babies, who I love dearly.
I joined PsychCentral to make new friends, with people who understood me & what I was about. I’m sorry to say that I’ll be putting some poetry up on here too. I’ve been writing it a bit lately, as therapy, kinda feels good.