Archive for November, 2011

My Family (Nov 2011)

Hey everyone. Thanks for reading my blog. All of my poetry has been rather maudlin thus far, so sorry people. Thought I’d try writing about something good to see the difference. Here’s the result.

Princess thinks she’s an only child

If my lap is taken, she goes wild

Skeet is my sensitive old soul

To get doggie chocs is his only goal

Tito likes to playfight and dominate

In the end he’s just everyone’s mate

Mornay is a tactful diplomat

You could never find a friendlier cat

Terri is the boss and likes to destroy

He also likes to eat and play with a toy

Choocha seems to always be frightened

She’s like a meerkat, her senses hightened

Pablo makes mess to get my attention

Then he finds himself in solitary detention

Ari is sweet, clumsy and gentle

His helpless nature makes me feel parental

Kenzie is little, quiet and polite

When the dogs sniff at her, it gives her a fright

This is just a brief description of my beloved nine

I love and adore them, not just because they’re mine

I play with and feed them, keep them alive

Without their love of me, I would not survive. 

One Way Ticket (Aug 2011)

Why must I wake each day and take a breath?

When all I can see is my impending death

I’ve tried so hard to have a good life

But all I seem to do is end up in strife

My premature death would surely cause woe

But for god’s sake people, just let me go

On familial relationships I’ve put a strain

All I’m trying to do is ease the pain

My whole life I’ve been one big fake

I know now that was a mistake

I know my passing would cause untold grief

But suicide being a sin is just your belief.

Worry #2 – BDD (Nov 2011)

I worry what people think when they see me

I fret and fuss about it unnaturally

I worry they think I look strange

These worries consume me and are hard to arrange

I worry about what I might do or say

Like talking about poo, or saying something’s “gay”

My mouth takes over and I can’t self-edit

I manage to most of the time; give me some credit

I worry people will see my bad teeth

And they’ll learn I’m also rotten underneath

I worry people’ll see my every imperfection

If I’m stared at I’ll turn my face in another direction          

I worry they’ll see my skin, it’s too dry and wrinkly

And I never get nude, ’cause my thighs and butt are all crinkley

Most would think I’m shallow and vain

Believe me, I’m not, I’d do anything to get this out of my brain.

Single & Stoopid

Hey there dudes. I don’t know if you know, but as well as starting this blog, I also started a social group, called Single, Bored & Lonely. For 2 days I was the only member, and that kinda sucked. But today when I logged on one of my friends had joined. I thought, shiiiit, this is really gonna take off.

Until the friend brought me crashing back down to earth. I think my friend may’ve only joined out of sympathy, because they mentioned that the group possibly might not be successful on a site like this, where people have issues.I saw it the other way. We all already know that if you’re on here it’s probable that you have some sort of condition, so that gets that out right in the open immediately, right?

Who is right? Me, or my friend? I don’t mind putting it out there that it’s been quite awhile since I had any loving. I don’t know if I’m being too specific, but I’m looking for a BP guy, 27-47, who is funny & hot. How do you like my chances? Look, I’m totally open to changing teams at this point in time.

Any thoughts/advice on what I’ve written. Feel free to share. By the way, If you’re a woman, the same parameters apply hehe.

Worry #1 (Oct 2011)

I worry about my pets

Am I being a bad mum?

When they look at me funny

Am I being paranoid, am I being dumb?

I worry about them dying

I do try to keep them safe

I wish I never had to leave them

I hate it when I have to go away

I worry about having no money

It’s embarassing to have to steal

But if I don’t shoplift something

Me n the pets wouldn’t have a meal

I worry about being lonely

I don’t want to end up alone

But I’m scared you’ll reject me

So I don’t pick up the phone

I worry about all of the relationships I’ve lost

Why did I throw them all away?

When I avoid you, no, everything’s not all ok

I worry about getting old and ugly

I see my looks and health fading everyday

What will be of my life, where and when did it go astray?

I’m dressed now peeps

Yes, I finally showered and got dressed, but not because I wanted to. I noticed I was out of dog food & milk, so it was a mercy dash.

Can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned it but my rabbits & guinea pigs eat weeds. So now I’m outside praying for the lil suckers to outgrow my yard, contrary to when i had to grudgingly pull em out. Makes it a hell of a lot cheaper. I swear my kids/pets eat better than me. I definitely spend the bulk of my grocery bill on them. And they’re all fussy eaters (well most of them). I don’t understand why I can’t just feed them wheatbix, that’s what I eat sometimes for dinner. I feel guilty when I eat an apple, because I buy them for the vegetarian pets.

I don’t know if you can see what I wrote with the 1st pic, but I love it. I think it makes me look like a giant love-heart. I don’t like pics of me so I like distorting them and applying filters. I have #BDD. For those of you who don’t know what that is it stands for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It’s basically a warped perception of your appearance. It’s related to eating disorders, which I’ve had in the past also. #OCD comes into it a bit as well. For example, mine is so bad that only one person in the whole world (my ex) has ever seen me without makeup on since I was about 10yrs old. I don’t own swimwear, because I won’t swim in public places, or let anyone see that much of my body. It’s very lifestyle-restricting. There are lots of things I’d love to do but I can’t because people might see me not looking perfect.

Let me add something important here: If anyone ever has any questions of/for me, ask away. I’m an open book. There’s pretty much nothing I won’t talk about, especially if it’s of an informative nature. So fire away. I’m just sitting here bored. I might talk about some naughty stuff on here, things you may disapprove of. Please bite your tongue if you want to tell me off, or be diplomatic with your words.

Thanks. Signing off now. I still don’t know where the caption I just typed shows up, so I’ll just introduce you to Mornay (Moo-Moo to me). She is the loveliest cat. An real diplomat, she wants to play with everyone, even the smallest animals, including Pablo the budgie. She reminds me of the christmas grinch. The last pic is what happens when you kill so many brain cells your head collapses. Ciao for now xo

MindShaft (Aug 2011)

Help me, I’m down here

My throat’s so sore and dry

Voice is nearly gone now

Can’t they hear me?

Seems like I’ve been down here for ages

Why hasn’t anyone come to save me?

I’m not the boy crying wolf

It’s not a practical joke

 Is there even anybody there?

Or am I as alone as I feel?

My fingertips bleed from scratching

Can’t get a grip

Keep slipping back down

It stinks down here, like sulphur

And the rats run over my feet I can’t see any light

Not even the stars

My eyes sting from dust and crying

I try to keep them open, but it hurts

I can hear soft music playing

It reminds me of something

My childhood? When I was happy?

Song’s slowing down now

Please don’t stop

Iwant to hear more

I want to hear it again

Don’t want to fall to the bottom

Can’t see what’s down there, and it scares me

Please play that tune again

So I can follow it to the top.

Fat n Lazy n Still In My Jim-Jam’s

Hey all. It’s 2.50pm & I’m still in my pj’s, stinky & makeup smudged face – attractive – I don’t think so. The pic is Terri , my bunny sleeping entwined in Tito, my whippet’s arms & legs. Too cute.

I think I took a few too many sleeping tabs too late in the night, making it hard to get up + that groggy feeling. So nice to be able to knock myslef out though. And not so many nightmares when I use sleeper’s.

I think I might start a question & answer section on here. I’m like Macaulay Culkin asking a million & one questions about everything. And all of my PC friends seem to be wise & experienced, and familiar with the things I want to talk about; so who better to ask?

For example, my doc just changed me diagnosis from BP2 to BP1. I want to know if this is common & doew this mean my condition is worsening & will continue worsening? Any answers would be appreciated it. Don’t have to PM me, you can just put it here in the comments section.

This is Pablo, my smart pale blue Budgie. I’m trying to teach him to speak, unsuccessfully so far. I think I’m saying too many things. Any advice? I have to clip his door shut because he knows how to open them. And he loves my dogs & cats. The cats sleep next to him sometimes.

Anyway, signing off for now. Catchya xox

Mental (Oct 2011)

Major depression is to be in Hell

Upon your issues you will dwell

It’s not about feeling sad and sorry allday

With therapy and meds you hope they’ll allay

It’s not about moping or vying for attention

It’s aiming for balance, maintenance and retention

Anxiety makes you worry, fear and fret

About situations you would rather forget

Mania feels like energy that keeps going and going

Feeling super productive with your creative juices flowing

Obsession is thoughts that seem unending

Compulsion comes with it and sees me needlessly spending

I’d love to get my life back, be me again

All I can do is plod along day by day until then.

Another “Ation” Poem (Nov 2011)

What happened to my maturation?

I’m forever stuck being a teenager

How did I end up in this situation?

I saw my life being so different than this

I hate that I feel such degradation

The sins of my mother make me feel such shame

Twitchy, weird, intense is my manifestation

Which bits are me? Which are my illness?

My dad thinks I use manipulation

Like I’m some evil puppeteer

From my mum I’d like an explanation

Was it so hard to be my mum?

When will I find an occupation?

Gotta pay the bills, sick of eating soup

I’m not happy with my presentation

Always picking, always finding faults

I’m Libran, prone to prevarication

Make your mind up Leanne, it’s not that hard

My whole life feels like a fabrication

I’m a fraud, a phoney, a fake

I’d like an advocate, some representation

I can’t speak up for me, I’m not worth it

My life is no-win, when did I come to this realisation?

I keep kidding myself that I’ve still got time

My life is in ruins, complete devastation

Doesn’t get much worse, could maybe lose my house

I’ve isolated myself so much, utter segregation

Animals are my friends and family now

When my dad listened, I felt validation

One conversation where we actually connected

When owning up to flaws I feel humiliation

Telling one’s truth can be hard sometimes

I’d like to be someone else, a total re-creation

Yes, please Higher Power, can I have a do-over?

 

Hello world!

Hi everyone. This is my very first post. I’m not sure why all of my text is staying over on the left side. This is weird.

Anyway, The picture is of Tito, my best friend. He’s one of my nine furry babies, who I love dearly.

I joined PsychCentral to make new friends, with people who understood me & what I was about. I’m sorry to say that I’ll be putting some poetry up on here too. I’ve been writing it a bit lately, as therapy, kinda feels good.