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FUCK ISIS !

Today – A Boring Day

Well I went to my doctor today and got a medical clearance to return to work so I have to do my nightshift tonight. I did consider saying I still had symptoms but I have to go back sooner or later and I can’t really afford more time off. I am feeling much better, so I shall see how I go. I don’t know if I have written about what I do for a living, or if I have, whether you have read it, but I’m a Disability Support Worker. I look after disabled young adults who live in a house together. 1 young man and 2 young women. I work nightshift so I mainly see the male as he has sleeping problems so I have to watch him and look after him while he is awake.

The 2 females are usually asleep, but I have to check on them hourly. My male client is usually asleep when I start at 9.45pm but never sleeps through the night. He generally wakes between 1 and 3am and then stays awake all night until morning. And I mean wide awake – loud. He has medical issues, an intellectual disability, autism + challenging behaviours. So when he is awake he is a handful. His medical issues are that he is peg fed and he has an ileostomy bag which is similar to a colostomy bag, just attached to a different part of his bowel. I have to empty or change his bag throughout the night. Sometimes it leaks and if I don’t discover it in time it gets everywhere – allover him, his bed and the floor if he is up and walking around. He has Movicol (a laxative) everyday, so his poo is always diarrhoea, which is an absolute pleasure to clean up – not. And the smell: well, what can I say?

I’m trying to teach him to read or at least recognise some words at the moment. I made him some books with the alphabet, numbers, colours, and sentences; with really good images downloaded off the internet. He already recognises some pictures but I’m trying to get him to recognise the actual words. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much, but he has a really good memory, so my fingers are crossed that he’ll do well.

I was in a PsychCentral chatroom earlier today and a man tried to guilt-trip me into staying to talk to him longer. He said he was self-harming and was threatening suicide. I had to go out, so I offered to meet him again at the same time tomorrow for a long talk. He said he had been suicidal for a few weeks, so I thought what is one more day? When I asked him whether he was going to meet me the next day he wouldn’t respond so i think he was shitty that his emotional blackmail hadn’t worked. I got the impression that he was exaggerating and doing it for attention so I doubt the sincerity of what he was telling me; it just didn’t ring true. So I don’t feel too bad. We’ll see if he was serious about needing to talk if he shows up for the arranged time. If he doesn’t, he was just a time-waster. I’m not holding my breath.

I have my own mental health issues to deal with without having someone threaten to kill themselves or cut themselves on me. Doesn’t sit well. I’d never do that to someone. I think he just wanted someone to say “no, don’t”. Which I did for awhile, until I needed to leave. That’s when he got pooey.

My depression is average at the moment, I think I might be slightly hypomanic at the moment because I have been shoplifting again. I do this when I’m hypomanic, as well as a few other risky, reckless, wrong behaviours. It sucks because some shops just make it too easy for me. I rack myself with guilt after, but also justify it in some ways to myself. I think my med levels may not be quite right , or the anti-depressant I’m using is possibly not quite right for me. I’m trying to avoid admitting to myself that this may be the case, because i’m afraid I’ll go back to my doc and he’ll tell me there are no more to try. I’m terrified of running out of options. Because I believe that there is a med combo out there that is perfect for me; I just have to find it. My mood stabiliser seems fine; my mania seems under control mostly.

I need to find a new therapist soon though because my current one has outlived his use. We’ve gona as far together as I think we’re gonna get. He’s kinda getting repititive. He doesn’t seem to know where to go next. I feel sorry for him. I probably don’t make things easy for him, not that I should have to.

Anyway, I better go get ready for work. Bye for now xo

An odd question but….

Do you think it is strange or bad that I have put a lot of thought into what kind of serial killer I would be if I had the chance? I am totally addicted to the CI channel on Foxtel (true crime) and am fascinated by the psychology/pathology of murderers etc. I’m not sure when one’s curiosity is getting a bit out of hand. I sometimes wonder if the only thing stopping me from killing someone is the prospect of being caught. Has anyone else had similar thoughts/feelings? And I’m not sure of the motivation behind these feelings – whether it’s just genuine curiosity or unquenched anger management issues and the need to take revenge out on someone, or something like that. I haven’t spoken to my T about it because I didn’t want to freak him out. Any thoughts?

About Me info

I don’t know how to put my about me info on the front page and keep it there, so it is the link in the top left corner which says About Me. This one was written when I 1st started the blog. There is additional personal info if you type: about me #2 in the search bar. This was written more recently. I’ll probably think of heaps more as I go along. So look out for an About Me #3 next.

Re: My Poetry (Nov 15 2013)

I am sorry I haven’t posted all of these in the order in which they were written. That would have been the smart and logical thing to do. Thanks for reading. Feel free to critique me, as long as you’re tactful.

A Life Unfolds (Nov 15 2013)

First and only child to newly married teens

Unlucky from the get-go to get a combo of their genes

You make people laugh, you say your first words

Little did you realise it’d be the last time you were heard

You follow the rules, brush teeth, make the bed

Good little automaton, indoctrination’s getting in your head

You play all the sports and win heaps of awards

Unaware your achievements as an adult would also be scored

All the teachers like you, you get good grades

They didn’t know they were being made to be part of the charade

High school was easy, you got a good score

Not knowing then that uni was a much harder chore

Leave uni early, it wasn’t for you

Young and out in the big bad world, what are you to do?

With your zero experience try to get a job

Unemployment benefit’s not enough, have to earn a bob

Earning jackshit, not even minimum wage

How unfair you get treated this way because of your age

Your twenties are for partying, sewing your wild oats

Don’t remember much of that time, shoulda taken notes

Your thirties are for growing up and settling down

You weren’t good enough and he didn’t stick around

You aren’t where you planned, you thought you’d have kids

Big shock to the system, your life has really hit the skids

You start getting diagnosed with various conditions

Hang on, my life isn’t over yet, I still had ambitions

Next year’s a big one, reaching the big 4-0

What has life in store for me? I’d really like to know

Trying to remain positive, don’t wanna get disheartened

I hope life starts improving now and gets better than it started.

Light (written Sep 2011)

Trying to get the light right

Don’t like it too bright

Too revealing, too exposed

How to get rid of the darkness

Why does the dark have to seem so black?

Lava lamp would be great

If I didn’t have to see, read, write

Coloured globes for different moods

Good idea, but what colour is angst?

Blue, red, green, yellow

Four colours to match how I feel?

Phhhh…….

I have twelve lights in my loungeroom

And still, I can’t get the light, right

 

Just A Few Questions….

Hi there anybody who is reading….

Is there an easy way of telling if a comment is not genuine? I may have trashed or spammed some legitimate comments because they came from workplace addresses. Is it common for people to send  personal msg’s via their professional email address? I’m not allowed to access my work computer for personal reasons, so I find it a bit odd. Oh, another question, is it possible for me to get a website address for this blog so I don’t have to go to another site and click heaps of links to open it? As you can see, I’m not a techie person – very humiliating!

And does anyone know what ‘seo’ in an address means? Or what Minecraft for free is? They have come up a lot in my commenst section so I’m suspicious of them. It’s quite hard to tell that some of the comments are spam, or am I just ignorant and/or stupid? I can, at times, be a bit gullible with some things.

Changing the topic: I have fallen off the wagon since I’ve been living with my sister (since April) and am currently on a bender at the moment. While I enjoy it at the time and justify it, I also feel guilty and ashamed that I have little to no self control. After reading a friend’s blog, who goes to a 12 step programme, it has got me thinking I might look into whether there are any closeby me. Even if I haven’t quit yet it would still be good for me to hang around recovering addicts telling their success stories of sobriety. It may just inspire me; I just have to get over the “God” parts of it. I’m spiritual, just not religious.

Does anyone have any personal experience with addiction who would like to share with me? If it’s too personal to put on here, you can contact me via pm on PsychCentral, username Choocha. Thanks.

I admit to kinda using my prescription meds (there are many) kinda badly/irresponsibly, and also to taking a semi-regular (at the moment) illicit substance. I have managed to stay pretty clear from alcohol for a long time now. But it seems I always need to have at least one addiction in my life; maybe not a physical addiction, but always a psychological one. Plus I still smoke cigarettes. I quit once for 5 years and took it back up when going through a bad depresssion – biggest mistake ever. I’m thinking of trying E-Cigs. Has anybody got any input on them?

I went to the doctor today because my work want me to get a clearance before being allowed to return to work, because of me possibly having a c-diff infection. The doc prescribed antibiotics as a precaution and sent me home with a poo cup, because I couldn’t do it at his office.

Does anyone else have phobia’s about normal medical procedures ie pooing in a cup, gynechological procedures, mammograms etc? And I avoid going to and procrastinate about going to the doctor unless I absolutely have to, and then it’s usually far worse.

I haven’t had a pap smear or STD screen for about 7 years and I never phoned back about my last results, because I assumed they’d phone me if there was something wrong. Yeah, I know, no need to lecture me. I know that was reckless.

I should really call this blog Choocha’s Confessional because it seems that I’m owning up to all of my dirty laundry and exposing some quite personal stuff, but I assume that’s the kind of stuff people may find interesting; not just mundane, boring, routine stuff. Am I right?

I will get into more nitty-gritty if I hear back from anyone. i don’t really mind what I tell you because you are probably sitting on the other side of the world, so I feel quite free to share – possibly a silly assumption, but oh well.

Something else which is a bit eeeewy: I think I may have the startings of head lice again. I keep on catching them from work, which isn’t the most hygienic place. I have now caught lice 2, maybe 3 times, staph infection twice, and now whatever this stomach bug is. I really feel like I should be filing workcover claims and shouldn’t have to use my personal sick leave. We obviously aren’t all following the same hygiene precautions and cleanliness practises at work for so many infectious things to be going around.

It’s getting so bad now that I’m finally sick of it and will be looking for a new job when I finally pull my finger out and update my CV etc.

My bp is quite allover the place right now. I’m suffering from frequent bouts of just not wanting to be alive anymore to brief periods of thinking about the future, so it is very confusing. I think my main feelings may be depression and anxiety, because I’m sleeping on and off either too much or not enough, have no energy, am isolating myself; plus anxiety/fear is my default emotion when I feel out of control of myself.

May I ask if the people who do read this have found this blog through PsychCentral or what search they used to find it? Just curious.

I hope to hear back from someone/anyone ( just not spammers) soon please. I am very lonely and bored and would love some company and new friends. Bye for now xo

I Am Back

Hey there. After a long break I have returned. I stopped writing because I didn’t think anyone was reading my blog. I accidentally stumbled across it last night and saw quite a few comments, so I decided I should try to start writing again, and this time more regularly.

Just a ramble today, as I’m over-tired, under-nourished and kinda sick. I have had a tummy bug for a week now. I haven’t been to the doctor yet. I’ve just been self-medicating it with anti-nausea and anti-diarrhoea meds. Yeah, I know I’m not very sensible or responsible.

So thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read my blog. Please feel free to ask me any questions or tell me to elaborate if I haven’t put something very well etc.

I have been up now for nearly 2 days. I couldn’t sleep yesterday during the day – which I’m supposed to do because I work nightshift. Then I went to work last night, looking after a client who is in hospital at the moment. I’m not a nurse. I’m a disability support worker. My client has intellectual, physical and severe behavioural issues.

He is in hospital for a gastro-intestinal blockage + he was diagnosed with a bad stomach infection called C-Diff (for short) which causes diarrhoea, sore stomach, loss of appetite etc.

Well, was there and it slipped out in conversation to the nurse that I had had diarrhoea but had stopped it with gastro-stop medication. He (the nurse) said “you shouldn’t be here”. He left the room and came back 5 minutes later to say he had spoken to his boss and I had to leave immediately, in case I had/have an infection, either C-Diff or something else. So I was there for less than 2 hours and my sms to my manager has not been replied to yet, so I’m assuming he is angry with me, for the inconvenience. So now I have to go to the doctor and poo in a cup to get tested. Really happy about that – not.

If anyone is reading this please tell me do you prefer reading about me, my poetry, or both? Some feedback on what I post would be appreciated.

A technical question: does anyone know how I can change the order in which my posts are displayed. I’d rather them start at the beginning of when I began the blog, instead of from most recent at the top. Also, how do I create a cover page, like an about me page, before all of the posts?

Speaking of tech issues, I have just spent numerous hours unsuccessfully trying to get chat going on here. When I clicked download of any chat plugin, ten trillion explorer pages would start opening. It happened quite a few times, no matter which chat I tried to download. Does anyone know what is happening with this? What am I doing wrong? So hopefully I will get it worked out and maybe we can get a live cat going. That’d be cool. I prefer to chat with real, live people.

Ok, signing off for now. catch me soon xo

Black Wave (Jan 2012)

The tears that ruin my makeup taste like pain

Your backhanded compliments sound like disdain

The fears that fracture my life seem so real

Living, for me, has lost it’s appeal

The knots in my neck feel like punching fists

Reality for me sucks as it presently exists

These words I write seem so nothingy and hollow

Sometimes too much drivel for even to me to swallow

The hole in my heart is twisted and dark

And through my soul has ripped the teeth of a shark

Of my external appearance I was so proud

Looking at myself in the mirror no longer allowed

The head pulsating from over analysis

Despite it, in this thinking I do persist

The betrayals that hit my spirit like darts

They now cruely tear my being apart

The neuroses scream loudly in my head

I wish for the time when I hear only sweet angels instead

My thoughts, dreams and goals are all asunder

This black angry war is winning, pulling me under.

Spirit Crushed (Jun 2012)

The heart beats a lonely ballad

The sould howls a passionate cry

The head throbs with anger

The response is a woeful sigh

The wants and desires are dwindling

The confidence has been defeated

The young girl who had so much potential

The positive attitude so depleted

The hopes and dreams were scoffed at

The hunger slowly abating

The resulting outcome is a sad one

The woman, crushed, is sick of waiting.

I Ask Of You (Jun 2012)

Pluck me out when I feel like I’m drowning in a vat of burning oil

Pick me up when I’ve fallen on barbed wire spikes

Wake me when I dream of puppies being tortured

Retrieve me when I’m lost in obtrusive thoughts

Guard me when others spit poison darts at me

Stroke my hair when peaceful sleep alludes me

Catch me when I fall off the face of the earth

Explain to me when my jumbled mind confuses me

Preach to me when I’m losing my spirituality

Tell me all will be ok, when everything’s going wrong

Inspire me when all around me I see failure and wretchedness

Uplift me when I feel can’t sink any lower

Be understanding when I’ve made bad decisions

Forgive me when I’m being selfish

Be my guide when I’ve picked the wrong path

Cheer me on when I’m disenchanted

Mentor me when I need your wisdom

This is what I ask of you

Thankyou

The Bird (Dec 2011)

The bird’s sweet churping said to me ” I am happy, I am free”

“I can flit and fly around and around”

 “I might drift over there towards that sound”.

At first when his mum pushed him out of the nest

He found it rather hard to digest

But when his wings worked and he hovered

He realised he wasn’t all that bothered

He could join any group that he met

And in in time, his mum he did forget

Having fun and then finding a mate

Food and babies were plentiful, life was great

One summery day up in the skies

He crossed paths with a face he didn’t recognise

It was his mother, all sick and forlorn

But he hadn’t seen her since he wass born

You see, he didn’t really need his mum

He’d had a full life, his lover and all of his chums

If only she’d kept him in the nest a little longer

Right now their relationship might’ve been stronger

Instead she chose a sad and solitary death

 And so all by herself she gulped her very last breath.  

What Am I Made Of? (Dec 2011)

I HAVE A HEART MADE OF GLASS

AND A MIND MADE OF COFETTI

MY BODY IS TINFOIL

MY ARMS ARE SPAGHETTI

MY BOOBS ARE FRIED EGGS

MY HEART’S AN INFLATED BALLOON

I HAVE LICORICE FOR LEGS

MY NECK’S A HARPOON

MY FEET ARE PADDLE POPS

MY HANDS ARE OVEN MITTS

MY EARS ARE CHOCOLATE DROPS

AND MY EYES ARE PEACH PITS

MY MOUTH IS A WILTED ROSE

MY TUMMY AN OVER-INFLATED TYRE

MY THIGHS ARE TRUNKS THAT GROW AND GROW

AND MY WRINKLES I WISHED THEY’D RETIRE

YOU SEE I’M A MIXED UP MASH OF ODDS & SODS

YOU MUST  HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR, GOD.

Nothing Much Of Anything

Dear Blogees

I don’t have much to write about, I don’t think. I’ve got stuck just writing poetry, when I really wanted this blog to be stream of consciouseness writing,with a little poetry thrown in. I planned on it being more like my thoughts and feelings + all of my various mishaps etc.

I think I’m boring but others say I’m interesting, so I’ll let you be the judge of that. I have to go to my psychologist today & I’m all in a tizzy because I’ve lost my homework book, with my assignement I’m meant to have done – which I didn’t. If I don’t like the homework he gives me I just write a pem, because I think at least I’m doing something. His pooey home work is all mindfulness crap. I’m not into hokum-pokum. I want practical answers for practical problems, not to get inside the core of a feeling/shmeeling. He’s a good guy & all, but he’s a bit away with the airy-fairies.

I’ve been enrolled in dialectical behavioural therapy. I don’t know when it starts but I’m scare already. It sounds very intensive. 3 hours a week for a year + homework. I’m not very good with long-term commtiments.

 

I haven’t showered yet & I have melted chocolate & god knows what down my top – sleep eating. Thanks to my meds I sleep walk & sleep eat & sleep smoke. Dangerous & messy. I wake up with cigarettes stuck all over me & chocolate shmeared all over my face. I’m gonna have to put all bad things far far out of reach & sight.

Anyway enough for now, I need to get ready for my appointment. Wish me luck. xo

Employment (Dec 2011)

Does anyone else feel like a blank android

With all of their once loved passions destroyed

My feelings were once at the top; they spewed

Now my self-regulation is totally screwed

My life now filled with analysis and contemplation

I feel no love, no joy, no elation

I have a financial need to be employed

But with myself jobless I’m paranoid

With no self-control, no solid foundation

My brain has gone into involuntary liquidation

If someone would give me a go I’d feel redemption

Instead of the unexplained rejection and condescension

Getting employment would give me a lift

I’m bursting at the seems to do a regular shift

My optimism and confidence I’m trying to sustain

And I try so hard not to moan or to complain

I’m not treating this like a long vacation

I take it very seriously, I realise the implication

Now that I’ve told you, now that you’ve heard

If you hear of a job, please do spread the word.

Child-Girl-Woman (Dec 2011)

The empty echoes of her childhood

The dreams and wishes of a young girl yearning

The harsh reality of getting not much good

Contributed to her early learning

By her mother many carrots were dangled

The promise of a special gift

The grey web of lies was twisted and tangled

Mournfully setting her hopes adrift

She didn’t know which was worse; the physical?

Her mother’s beatings were only brief

Or was it the torture which was critical?

And seemed to cause much stronger grief

Her father, cunningly, always an angle

He should’ve been there as a relief

Instead with his disdain he would mangle

Her unquestioning thoughts and beliefs

Her doubts and worries were hard to contain

She was left feeling dread and apprehension

As a result her grades and facade were hard to maintain

Her real self and feelings in a state of suspension

Whatever their meaning, whatever their intent

They had screwed up this girl’s youth

Now that all of her emotions had been spent

She could go on in the world practising only the truth.

1974 (Mar 2012)

It was the year of the tiger, the year of my birth

The first and only time that to my mum I had worth

Whether to be a whore or a mum, she was torn

Though she loved me, she wished I hadn’t been born

For years I’ve felt her icy abandonment

I’ve had to keep all the lies, the sneaky concealments

There were times when I wore her stinging slaps 

Inside my head it sounded like breaking thunder claps

But even worse than causing physical pain

Was the emotional turmoil felt in my brain

At times it was her hurtful criticism

And if I was joyous, her vengeful cynicism

She seemed to get pleasure from her bitchy derision

Why couldn’t she change? It was her decision

It ultimately added up to me feeling bereft

If only she’d gone for good when she first left

So instead of me having a nice normal family

I have been lumped with this cancerous anomaly.

Mister Night (Dec 2011)

Night cloaks me in his silky darkness

He takes away the scary shadows from the day

The bright light and glare of daytime can be heartless

Taking my safety and my hiding spots away

Evening brings with him a comforting hint of calm

Covers up the guilt and shame felt by day

When morning comes; with it blaring alarm

Mister Night please come back so my fears will allay

Night-time helps me to settle and rest

The glittery stars, my happy little friends

Daytime’s all “rah rah rah” and puts my nerves to the test

Sunlight is over-rated, it’s not all that it pretends

When the sky is black my eyes have fallen closed

Daytime sees loud brash people with prying eyes

Under daylight I feel pushed, naked and exposed

While beneath my protective night blanket, I can lie.

 

 

This is a quicky I wrote while pfaffing around with the pooda.

                                               Internet Connections Suck

 

Sitting, waiting for my computer to log-in

I’m impatiently waiting to be blogging

My creative juices are all flowing

This tedious delay is mindlessly slowing

I have things I want to say; to discuss

I’ve already been in the chatroom, chatted with Gus

I’ve written a new poem I wanted to share

I want some input from all of you readers who care

I’m very impatient, I don’t like to wait

It’s nearly at the top of my list of 10 things I hate

What did I do before internet, blogs, chatrooms?

Maybe some housework, maybe vacuum

Shows me how much I depend on it when it’s down

Tried refreshing and restarting, now complete shutdown

Now my creative fires have been extinguished

My wishes to write online have been relinquished.

I Am A Dorky Poetry Machine

Hey there. While my poetry might not be getting any better, my mind thinks it’s a poetry-writing machine. If only I could write music, I’d be prolific. Anyhoo, I’d planned to share my latest poem, then I got stuck in the chatrooms blah blah blah. And then I lost my internet connection. I’m not much of a computer person but I tried everything I could think of to no avail.

While I waited for connection to comeback, I started jotting down some ideas & the beginnings of about 3 poems started, but I actually finished one complete one, which I might show you now.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed that I’ve been trying out different styles. Feel free to let me know what you think. I’m a harsh critic of myself so it’s helpful to get an outsider’s perspective of what I say/write.

Oh, I forgot, I wrote 2 while stuffing around with my pooda. So if I don’t get sick of typing I might share my latest 3 – if you’re lucky hmmm nyuck nyuck. They’ll be my next posts, so read on xo love you xo